He’s been away from home for twenty years.
Not a red flag. This is an opportunity for you to embrace some alone time and discover new interests, like bird-watching or weaving burial shrouds.
He’s been having sexual relations with a goddess.
Not a red flag, since refusing a deity might have led to death or something far worse: being called an ill-mannered guest.
He is willing to sacrifice six crew members for his own survival.
Not a red flag. Everyone must come up with their own answer to the trolley problem. Never judge another person’s choice until you yourself have taken a turn at the lever.
He is a master of disguise.
Not a red flag unless he doesn’t know when to turn it off and you can’t stand role-play. If an eagle flies by carrying a white goose, it could be a sign that he is open to a discussion. Or it could just be him, dressed in another one of his elaborate costumes.
There is a second goddess.
Not necessarily a red flag. Goddesses are notorious for stealing each other’s sex-humans. Plus, there was that night when the two of you were waiting in the Taco Bell drive-thru, and he said, “But what if a goddess appears to me and forces me to have sex with them?” And you rolled your eyes and said, “Sure, honey. If you’re just sitting somewhere minding your own business, and an actual goddess forces you to have sex with them, then, no, that would not be cheating.” Then you ate your chalupa and forgot all about it until now.
He pretends to be a beggar and sneaks into the house to assess your loyalty.
Not a red flag, because he more than anyone knows what can happen in twenty years. Hopefully he will be quick about it, though, because you can’t keep this burial-shroud ruse up for much longer—people do have a general sense of how long it should take to weave something.
He slaughters 108 men who were interested in marrying you.
Not a red flag. People in long-term relationships often find themselves wondering how happy they would have been with someone else. This will no longer be a concern for you because there will be no one else.
He hangs several maids.
Not a red flag. Most husbands will barely lift a scrubbing brush to “purify the household.” This is above and beyond.
He lashes out at you for asking him to move the bed.
Not a red flag, because he could just be tired from a long day of meetings at the office or executions in the Great Hall. Before picking a fight, ask yourself if the bed thing can wait until tomorrow.
He claims the bed cannot be moved because he carved it out of an olive tree and built the rest of the house around it.
Sorry, but this is a red flag. Anyone who truly loves you would have known that rearranging furniture is an essential coping strategy, and they would have constructed the marriage bed accordingly. Looks like it might be time to gather up your twenty years of textile crafts and head out on a journey of your own.
