Your total is $6.99.
You added relish. Your total is $7.99.
You added mustard. Your total is $8.99.
You tried to remove mustard. Your total is $9.99.
You tried to add ketchup. What is wrong with you? Your total is $12.99.
We queried the Google Maps API and saw the closest open restaurant is 40 minutes away. Your total is $17.99.
You added sport peppers. Your total is $18.99.
We noticed you’ve been drinking at the dinky bar next door for the last four hours and are assuming you’re pretty desperate. Your total is $26.99.
You added a pickle spear. Your total is $27.99.
We subpoenaed OpenAI for your ChatGPT transcripts and learned you’re going through a bad breakup and are being really pathetic about it. Your total is $34.99.
We saw your recent mopey Instagram posts and learned this is where you took your ex on your first date. Have some goddamn class. Your total is $41.99.
We noticed you’re a Cardinals fan. Your total is $57.99.
The prices of some items in your order have changed. Your total is $61.99.
We are out of sport peppers. You will not be refunded.
You added tomato wedges (2). Your total is $65.99.
We added a 7 percent service fee. Your total is $70.61.
We added your local sales tax of 11.5 percent. Your total is $78.20.
We added a 3.75 percent restaurant surcharge, even though this is a mall food court. This surcharge protects you from price increases. Your total is $80.67.
The prices of some items in your order have changed. Your total is $83.12.
You added celery salt. Your total is $84.34.
We added a 2.5 percent staffing surcharge. This pays our 1099 contractors, who live entirely on hot dog commissions. Your total is $86.07.
We added a 17 percent gender equity contribution. This pays the contractor who tells our female contractors to smile more. Your total is $97.79.
We added a 4 percent hospitality fee. We will not elaborate on the purpose of this fee. To refund this fee, send a notarized request via carrier pigeon to the head of the CIA within 3 minutes of purchase. Your total is $100.55.
You added bun. Your total is $103.47.
We added a 1.25 percent mall food court surcharge, even though we already added a restaurant surcharge. This pays for our Creative Director’s pedicure habit. Your total is $104.36.
We added a 5 percent accounting commission. This pays the Fiverr guy who figured out how to add all these fees in Toast. Your total is $107.90.
We added a 3 percent donation to the Organ Donor Registry. Don’t think too hard about how this relates to your hot dog. Your total is $110.03.
You added onions. Your total is $111.58.
Your ex-girlfriend just told us her side of the breakup story. You jerk. Your total is $158.08.
We are out of onions. You will not be refunded.
We added a 25 percent base gratuity. You will be expected to add an additional gratuity at checkout, where we will invert the option order to trick an extra 15 percent out of you. Your total is $183.58.
You added poppyseeds on bun. Your total is $185.38, and we’re giving your workplace a heads up to drug test you tomorrow morning.
The prices of some items in your order have changed. Your total is $197.98.
We added a queuing fee charged per second you spend at this kiosk, because we have other customers and you are taking a really long time to order a hot dog, no offense. Your total is $455.38.
We added an itemized equipment maintenance fee. This pays the contractor who buffs the scuffs out of this kiosk after you’re done kicking it, which you have now done 37 times. Your total is $1,139.38.
We queried the DoorDash API and discovered all your delivery options are still way more expensive than this. Your total is $1,517.38.
We are out of hot dogs. You will not be refunded.
