Alpha Master Chud Buffly has hunted and gathered his most elite tips and musings into a daily reading that will allow all men to achieve peak performance with only the most primal practices, protocols, and powders. With the help of frequent McSweeney’s contributor, Tom Ellison, Buffly offers hacks on everything from barbells to blockchain and finance to females.
We’re happy to feature an excerpt from this important tome, which is out later this year, but available for preorder wherever you purchase books, multivitamins, and creatine.
Introducing: MAN–THOLOGY
by Alpha Male Guru Chud Buffly
(as told to Tom Ellison)
Let me set the stage (figuratively, not in a “theater” way).
Men today are in crisis. Some of the signs are glaring, such as the troubling drop in male college graduation rates, or the equally troubling rise of Timothée Chalamet. Others are more pernicious. Inequality. Illness. Loneliness. While such silent epidemics may be unfamiliar to many readers, they constitute a social crisis (for men).
Clearly, times are changing, as my attorney, Chloe, keeps reminding me in that strangely frantic tone. What is a man to do? Just chill? Look inward? Certainly not.
It might seem unbelievable, but years ago I was just another of these lost souls—broke, alone, and weak. Until I reached a turning point. And when my candy-ass Honda Civic skidded past that turning point and flipped into an abandoned quarry, I knew I’d hit rock bottom.
But luckily for me, those struggles began my quest to become the world’s foremost Alpha male. By now, I’ve worked with literally trillions of guys, whether via the Chuditude podcast, the comments section of ChudBuffly.com, or my Alpha Elite Lone Wolf Renegade Brigade Coaching Discord.1
And luckily for you, the essential insights I’ve acquired along the way are hitting shelves in November in MAN–THOLOGY: 365 Alpha Maxims Guaranteed to Help You Know Everything, Feel Nothing, Get Jacked, and Never Die.
Finally.
A book.
But for men.
I never would have imagined myself writing a book. I’ve always thought of books as nothing more than written-down podcasts. But then a beta chump named Tom offered to do the grunt work of collating my daily insights.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because what you’re doing with masculinity should be exposed to the world. Plus I could use the money,” he said.
“Thanks for the kind words,” I replied. “I hope you take ChudCoin.”2
So I started texting, voice-noting, and drive-by screaming daily doses of Alpha wisdom to Tom, which he turned into my book with all that clickety-clack stuff. Commit to reading and internalizing each entry, and after a year I guarantee you’ll be completely unrecognizable to even your dearest loved ones.
MAN–THOLOGY is needed now more than ever. It seems the world is constantly telling men there is something wrong with us. That we should be better, or learn, or evolve, or something.
Well, an Alpha doesn’t let anyone tell him how to live.
That’s your first tip, write that down.
Within MAN–THOLOGY, you’ll find pure, uncut truth on everything from workout tips, to mindset hacks, to investment philosophies, to family and other trivialities. It’s everything an Alpha needs to know.
As you grind through each sentence, you’ll come one step closer to chiseling your body, callusing your mind, dominating your career, stuffing your wallet, numbing your emotions, and optimizing your every waking minute until you are manly enough to be happy in your own skin.
Plus, it’s fun.
MAN–THOLOGY is for anyone. Perhaps you are a man who is discovering the book just in time to save you from a life of mediocrity and salad. Maybe you can buy it for your husband so he’ll stop weeping into his BabyBjörn. Perhaps you are a budding Alphling already in the Chud Buffly ecosystem, and you’re simply looking for something to goosh spiders. Perhaps you are an aspiring female Alpha male, or Alphette.3
Whoever you are, I welcome you as my Alpha brothers and sister-brothers. The Alpha male movement is broad and inclusive, welcoming anyone willing to 1) follow my comprehensive teachings to the letter 2) provide a valid credit card number or crypto wallet. Come on in, the Alpha water is fine.4
So let me pre-congratulate you on making the first good choice of your life—deciding to buy my book. After reading, you will leave behind your old self (a flabby, low-IQ wage slave being cyberbullied by local Girl Scouts) and start becoming just like me (a shredded, multimillionaire genius who goes ATV racing with Joe Rogan semiregularly).5
You can pre-order MAN–THOLOGY from Bookshop.org, Barnes and Noble, or a local bookstore, although Amazon is definitely the most Alpha bookseller/military AI contractor.
Ultimately, it’s not important where you pre-order it. What is important is that you pre-order it, read it every day for the rest of your life, and also subscribe to the Chuditude Patreon at the God-King Tier.
Are you ready?
I don’t care.
Let’s get started.
1 And needless to say, that Honda Civic is now a Chevy JUGGERNAUT Mega-Duty 990, Operator Edition.
2 ChudCoin is the only crypto solution for Alphas who need to purchase unlabeled white powders, anonymously, from their phone, in certain jurisdictions of Cyprus. [DISCLAIMER: ChudCoin is for entertainment purposes only, pending proceedings in Chud Buffly Enterprises, LLC v. INTERPOL].
3 While most of my audience is men, women can absolutely be Alpha males. Admittedly, in the quest to become an Alpha male, being male is something of a head start. But aspiring female Alpha males can achieve Alpha male–hood as long as they are committed to combating weakness, mediocrity, and gender fluidity.
4 AlphaWater is available from the supplement section of ChudBuffly.com. [DISCLAIMER: Fine is not a determination made by the FDA.]
