I am a humble man. I made my fortune the old-fashioned way, through grit, determination, and a small multi-million-dollar loan from my father. And now I’m trying to achieve something beyond what humans have ever imagined: a giant toxic goo pit.
Polling suggests people are upset with the giant pit of toxic goo I’m planning to build in the center of town. I’m here to put your mind at ease. The toxic goo is harmless. It’s just the liberal media who’ve been giving it a bad name.
Yes, I’m planning to tear down the beloved historic bird sanctuary, once the crown jewel of the city center. But we need that space to build the goo.
I know the press has been saying toxic goo is bad. That it’ll suck up all the water. That it causes cancer. That it gives babies laser eyes. But isn’t this just what no-nothing naysayers do? Call into question great men who are trying to create the future? The media loves to paint the goo as “dangerous.” But studies have shown only a dozen cases of babies with laser eyes. And my company generously gave the parents of those babies $3,000 to laser-proof their homes.
All of the “evil” the goo pit will cause has been completely overblown. The goo will suck up some water, but all the water? Absolutely not. That’s hyperbolic. The goo pit will take about 90 percent of the town’s water and contaminate the rest.
I am implementing this project because I love this beautiful town. The toxic goo powers my massive empire of wealth, and enables me to give back to you people. Why, just last year I donated fifteen iPads to the local elementary school so they could learn to code or whatever. It doesn’t really matter since all those jobs will be obsolete in three to five years (the goo is really good at coding).
Something else these so-called “journalists” won’t tell you is that the goo will bring more jobs. Who do you think will dig the giant pit? Machines can’t do it all. Some tasks still require backbreaking labor, perfect work for the hard-working humans of this town. Wouldn’t you all love the promise of waking up every morning (including weekends) and heading over to the goo pit for twelve hours a day? Yes, you’d have to sign a liability waiver acknowledging that you might turn into some kind of mutated half-human, half-goo pod—but think about the job security.
Or, to be more precise and transparent: job security for the next six to nine months. You see, once we dig the giant pit and fill it, the goo kind of runs itself. But while they last, the jobs will be pretty good. And of course, once the goo pit is installed, we will need a few dozen goo managers to make sure the goo keeps gurgling away.
There are towns that would love to have this toxic goo pit. In fact, some think you should be paying me for the honor of hosting the goo. But out of the goodness of my heart, I am offering you this goo pit for free. Just give me a few billion in tax breaks, and we will break ground tomorrow.
Listen, folks, the goo is our future. The goo is our god and will replace silly things like art, reading, and humanity. We won’t need any of that stuff once the goo reaches its terrible, beautiful final form.
In the end, progress must reign. That’s why I’ve used my massive wealth to bribe the government, which in turn used eminent domain to take the land we want for the goo pit. So you might as well stop complaining.
For what it’s worth, I think you will all come to love the goo in time. Yes, there’s a fair-to-definite chance that the goo will seep into the water supply and give everyone bone worms. But these are the risks we must take for the future of our civilization (i.e, the goo).
