400,000,000 BCE
The creatures that will one day evolve to become human beings glide gracefully through the Paleozoic sea. They emerge onto the rocky shore with new legs, a new dominion for animals on this young marble planet.
300,000 BCE
Drowning.
25,500 BCE
Drowning.
1,500 BCE
Drowning.
1,200 BCE
After observing animals cross the River Nile, human beings attempt the doggy paddle.
1,200 BCE
Drowning.
1,100 BCE
The first successful doggy paddle.
900 BCE
The first successful doggy paddle where the swimmer didn’t look like an idiot. Also, the last.
750 BCE
Backstroke, named after gladiator Maximus Backstroke, who later died by drowning.
600 BCE
Breaststroke, named after Maximus Backstroke’s buxom wife, who later died by drowning.
500 BCE
Sidestroke, named after Maximus Backstroke’s side piece, who was later convicted of tying cinderblocks to the feet of Maximus Backstroke and his wife.
31 CE
The “walk on water.”
32 CE
The “walk on water” is banned from competition. Sons of Gods are asked to return their gold medals.
33 CE
Incredibly steep punishment for a Son of God who wouldn’t return his gold medals.
1844
The front crawl, also known as freestyle, was introduced in London.
1873
John Arthur Trudgen tweaks the front crawl by including the breaststroke’s frog kick. All these years later, every swimmer knows the name “John Arthur Trudgen.”
1873
Not.
1912
Treading water, literally, after the sinking of the Titanic.
1912
Treading water, emotionally, after the sinking of the Titanic, when Rose DeWitt Bukater questioned whether she and Jack Dawson had a future when they got back on land.
1912
Treading water, both literally and emotionally, when Rose DeWitt Bukater didn’t make room on that floating door for Jack Dawson, leading him to rethink their relationship as he froze to death.
2050
Sea levels rise. The planet becomes too hot to live on land. Human beings retreat to the seas.
2050
An explosion of new swim strokes, developed by the fish-man hybrids that colonize the oceans, marks the dawn of a new Aquatic Era.
2050
Drowning.
