In a moment, I will activate your baby’s cochlear implants. For the first time since she was born, she will be able to hear the world around her. You’ve probably thought a lot about the first thing you’d like to say to her. Maybe it’s her name, or that you love her very much. And there’ll be time for that later. First, I need to show her this YouTube video of the band Angine de Poitrine playing in France in 2025.
Seriously, have you seen this yet? It just came on my TikTok one day. It’s fucking sick.
They’re these two dudes, and they wear these wild polka-dot outfits and these weird masks with floppy noses, and it’s all instrumental music, but it’s, like, microtonal or whatever. I’m not doing it justice. It sounds like it’ll suck big time, but somehow it absolutely slaps.
Now, it can be an overwhelming experience for your baby when the external sound processor is first turned on. It’s a lot for her brain to acclimate to. That’s why I’m going to start off with “Fabienk,” which is kind of a good gateway song if you’re just getting into these guys, and then maybe we can watch the rest.
The whole thing is only twenty-seven minutes. But it goes fast.
Since your baby won’t be able to provide verbal feedback, we’ll need to gauge the implants’ efficacy based on her facial reactions. In my professional experience, if she smiles, it means she thinks this band is good as hell and she wants more.
If she cries, well, she just needs to give it a chance. It grows on you. I don’t know how to explain it.
I’m sure you must have questions for me. For example, how do the notes sort of keep going even when the guitar guy starts playing something different? The answer is simple: The guitarist, who goes by the stage name Khn de Poitrine, is using a loop pedal. It’s amazing technology. We’re truly living in a miraculous age. I guess the cochlear thing is cool too.
Did I mention they’re Canadian? They’re from Quebec. Just some trivia for you.
As we’ve discussed, the implants will not need to be replaced as your daughter grows. The only thing that will change over time is that she’ll eventually be old enough to listen to Angine de Poitrine while she’s high.
And let me tell you: Holy shit. You can’t even imagine. As soon as we’re done with this, you should totally smoke up and watch this video again.
I mean, yeah, maybe not, because you have a baby. But I will. And I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
So, if you’re ready, I’m going to go ahead and switch on the processor module and press play on my iPhone. Thank you so much for letting me share this special milestone with your family. Also, your insurance doesn’t cover this part, and it’s going to be really expensive for some reason.
[Triangle hand gesture.]
