“As the federal health department launches a plan to wean patients off antidepressants, mental health advocates and psychiatrists say blaming the United States’ mental health crisis on overmedicalization and overprescription of psychiatric medications is an inaccurate portrayal of a complex problem.”
— NPR
Recent studies show that too many Americans rely on SSRIs to overcome minor ailments, such as overwhelming sadness and crippling anxiety. But SSRIs have dangerous side effects and are far too often prescribed without considering the following questions:
- What are the long-term implications of a happy, chemically balanced society?
- Are joyful women dangerous?
- What’s wrong with benzos? When did everyone stop doing those?
Moreover, have we adequately examined the risks associated with equipping everyone with appropriate levels of serotonin? For example, if we eradicate obsessive-compulsive behaviors, who will quadruple-check America’s ovens to make sure they’re off? Will this whole place go up in one big flambé?
As a compassionate group of health hobbyists and one doctor of law, we cannot, in good conscience, recommend people stop taking their SSRIs cold turkey, even though the benefits of cold turkey far outweigh the benefits of eating literally anything else. (See: New Food Pyramid.)
That said, we propose all SSRI-gobbling Americans follow the program outlined below.
PHASE 1
Begin Researching
Alternative Methods
As always, we encourage everyone to do their own research. Remember: There is no tool more powerful than research, and all research is true unless you don’t want it to be. Research is like horoscopes in that way; if you read something and think, “I don’t like that” or “This doesn’t really apply to me,” you can disregard ALL research and then doxx that researcher on X.
To assist with this research, we will assign every American on SSRIs a MAHA-approved wellness coach/content creator. Each wellness coach/content creator will have spent at least three weeks selling colloidal silver to strangers on airplanes or one full afternoon harassing a pharmacist.
Additionally, men will receive a pamphlet on butthole sunning.
PHASE 2
Weaning
Weaning (which is serious and not to be confused with wenis, which is funny) is the act of gradually reducing a drug’s dosage over time.
To help calm the nervous system as we slowly erode the body’s ability to maintain healthy serotonin levels, we will send every American a government-issued Adult Coloring Book. That way, instead of focusing on withdrawal-induced brain zaps, you can instead focus on gently shading in the abs of an eagle.
While weaning, you might be tempted to revert to your original dose due to feeling like you’re floating above your own body or were born to be a piece of shit. If you find yourself struggling to reduce your dosage, we suggest writing the following mantra:
I, [NAME], am living in a paradise of President Trump’s making and therefore have no reason to feel sad, anxious, or ugly, unless I am ugly, in which case I can just get a chin implant.
PHASE 3
Exposure Therapy
Now that your depression is back and your new chin has settled, we will begin to correct your more annoying shortcomings with exposure therapy.
Exposure therapy can be a helpful tool in making you less of a little bitch. I knew a boy growing up—let’s call him Rod—who was scared of snakes. Every time Rod and his brother went down the creek, Rod’s older brother dropped a snake down the back of Rod’s pants. Rod, now a fully functioning alcoholic, makes a killing selling expired organ meat on Facebook.
Got performance anxiety? We’ll enter you in the Derby as a horse.
Scared of confrontation? We’ll make you fight your ex with a rake.
Additionally, women will be sent to electroshock therapy.
PHASE 4
SSRI-free!
By this point, you have successfully weaned off your medication and are 100 percent SSRI-free. Welcome to paradise! Now, you can move about the world as God intended you to: full of fear and self-loathing.
Speaking of which, did you turn off the oven?
