One thing is for sure: we’ve never seen anything like it. The actions of this president and his administration are completely and utterly unprecedented.
In an unprecedented move, the president chose to boost the inflation rate. That isn’t typically his job, although, in his defense, the framers of the Constitution were deliberately vague. Many interpret the Eighth Amendment as giving the president power to tank the economy.
Normally, the president doesn’t try to oust lawmakers from his own party because they disagreed with him one time. Or in John Cornyn’s case, less than one time. But this president has always had a quirky, unprecedented way of keeping the coalition together.
It’s definitely unusual to see a president pardon himself for crimes he has not yet committed. To be frank, we didn’t realize there were crimes he hadn’t yet committed. In many ways, he’s like a magician pulling infinite bunnies out of a hat, except the bunnies are tax fraud. We can’t think of a precedent in modern history. But is this good or bad? We’ll leave that question to the historians.
Never mind—he just threw all the historians in jail. Unprecedented, truly.
The president has declared the free press an enemy of the state. But we’re professionals, so we are committed to presenting both sides of the question of whether or not we should exist (we were all philosophy majors anyway).
So, the president just posted that he’s not going to follow the law anymore. And naturally, our readers want to know if that’s legal. That’s not for us to say—we are not lawyers; we are journalists. What we do know is that it’s unprecedented.
Yes, the president announced that the next general election would be held whenever he felt the timing was right. Critics have called the move alarming. Supporters have called it decisive. One thing’s for sure: it’s unprecedented. Uncharted, even. Downright atypical, if we’re being completely honest. But we don’t want to condemn the move until we know exactly when this whimsical election will be. What if it’s November 2028, and then he leaves peacefully in January 2029? Then, we would have sounded the alarm for no reason at all, and we’d look like idiots.
This week, the president dissolved Congress and asked the members to reapply for their jobs.
Actually, this one is a good idea.
In a highly unprecedented move, the president suspended the Constitution and all future elections. But the good news (for all of us) is that he has enough food in his bunker/ballroom to last until 2037. The White House now contains an unprecedented amount of Smuckers PB&J pockets. Never-before-seen. Novel. Rare. Unique. Anomalous.
Well, El Supremo has repealed the second law of thermodynamics. I can’t think of a precedent in modern history. Groundbreaking!
As of this filing, entropy has since reversed, then resumed, then stopped taking our calls. And the stars have begun to go out. Yes, in a highly unparalleled move, the universe is cooling toward a uniform and final stillness. We don’t want to overstate the situation, since many people prefer cooler weather. What we can say, with confidence, is that this is unprecedented. In our collective eighty years of experience, we’ve truly never seen anything quite like it. We’ve reached out to the sun for comment. It didn’t respond, which was comforting, in a precedented sort of way.
Obviously, our readers have a lot of questions, but one thing we know with certainty is that there was no precedent for the heat death of the universe.
In an unprecedented turn of events, Ross Douthat was right: We lived in interesting times.
