When it can get a tummy ache.
When it’s constantly running ten minutes late.
When it says “I’m fine,” but it really isn’t fine.
When it reschedules dinner dates to watch old episodes of The O.C.
When it buys tickets to a Wilco concert and forgets to go.
When it takes a hard stance on something it knows very little about.
When it takes twenty minutes to decide what to order and then immediately regrets its choice.
When it makes a five-year plan and never thinks about it again.
When it’s been reading Karl Ove Knausgård’s My Struggle for six years.
When it mentally replays all the stupid things it said during the day while falling asleep at night.
When it does something nice for someone, but then brags about it to someone else, negating the spirit of the original nice thing.
When it abandons work mid-task to investigate what happened to the kid who drove a BMW in high school.
When it reinstalls Facebook so it could message the kid who drove a BMW in high school.
When it’s surprised to get a message back and learn it has extremely flirty chemistry with the kid who drove a BMW in high school.
When it stays up all night having all-consuming, life-changing conversations with the kid who drove a BMW in high school.
When it convinces the kid who drove a BMW in high school to leave his wife and son and start over with someone who knew him when he was the purest version of himself.
When it rents a car and drives to Tampa to be with the kid who drove a BMW in high school, but stops to pee at an IHOP in Raleigh and is suddenly overcome by doubt, like, “What the hell am I doing??? I have a family! I don’t know anything about this guy other than the fact that he drove a BMW in high school. What if he’s a serial killer? What if he doesn’t eat vegetables? What if he’s into crypto? This is insane—I’m having a midlife crisis and using this whole emotional affair as a way to paper over the real problems and regrets in my life, which have nothing to do with the kid who drove a BMW in high school and everything to do with the way I’ve conducted myself for the last forty years and the things I’ve devoted my precious time to, which is slowly dwindling as I approach the downhill slope of my existence!”
When it accidentally calls its boss “Mom.”
