Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing.
Eric Hughes, who, while listening to his wife’s entire twenty-two-minute story about how rude Lauren always is at book club, did not offer a suggestion for how to fix the problem. He just nodded and said, “Wow, unbelievable,” at all the right moments.
Jeff Hanover, who, after witnessing his wife receive breakfast in bed, a dozen roses, several handmade cards, and a satin robe for Mother’s Day, was given an expired coupon to Dick’s Sporting Goods and a mug bearing the likeness of The Rock for Father’s Day
Brad Fisher, who parked a full half block away when dropping his daughter off at volleyball practice so that her peers would not see his “lame fit,” hear his “try-hard voice,” or observe anything of his physical person, which he has been informed is “climbing cringe mountain.”
Thomas Beakman, who both loaded and unloaded the dishwasher without once seeking praise for his actions, though did later privately imagine himself giving a TED Talk on gender equality.
Tim Harding, who, instead of saying “Boys will be boys” after his son threw rocks at a passing car, had a long talk with him about channeling his emotions into something more societally acceptable, such as mowing the lawn obsessively or watching Interstellar alone while quietly gazing into a bag of Takis.
Leon Williams, who patiently sat and watched his husband attempt to Google the summer camp forms in the slowest, dumbest way possible without smashing his laptop screen with a hammer.
Steven Lee, who could not locate the ketchup, despite it being on the top shelf of the fridge, in front, directly in his line of sight, and literally five inches from his nose. But rather than interrupt his wife’s nap to ask where it was, simply told their eight-year-old that they “were out.”
Josh Mandler, who was tasked with chasing a bat out of the garage, even though he has zero wildlife-wrangling experience and was just as freaked out as everyone else.
Alex Gettleman, who posed for approximately twenty-three photos of him and his wife toasting mojitos, then had her chastise him for “smiling weird.” He also said nothing as she captioned the photo DATE NIGHT MAGIC WITH MY PERSON.
Chris Bostock, who, despite listening to his brother-in-law Todd talk at length about Joe Rogan and cold-plunging, decided not to key his Cybertruck.
Javier Hernandez, who abruptly stopped singing along to Steely Dan’s “Hey, 19” in the car upon realizing that his college-daughter and her friends are all now nineteen years old.
Darius Quint, who was finally beaten in a game of driveway basketball by his son, but didn’t throw a fit or sink into a pit of despair at being surpassed by the younger, stronger, taller version of himself, and instead let the kid have a sip of his warm Amstel Light.
Peter O’Shea, who after receiving one text on Father’s Day from his son saying he’ll be late to dinner because he “needs to sync” with his boss, and another text from his daughter saying she’s “too busy brand building on TikTok,” resisted all urges to fire up “Cats In the Cradle” on Spotify and weep gently into his Old Fashioned.
