“On Wednesday, the Pentagon reported on its casualties website that 18 American service members had been killed during the war in Iran. By Thursday, the Defense Department had lowered that number, reporting that 14 American troops had been killed in the war. Three military officials said that one reason behind the change was that the Trump administration decided to remove four service members killed this past weekend from the list because their deaths occurred after President Trump declared a ceasefire in the war in April.” — New York Times
Modern warfare is full of consequences that continue to exist even after the president says they do not. Fortunately, the Pentagon has begun replacing outdated military doctrine with a simpler system that should feel familiar to anyone who has ever lost an argument near a swing set.
NUH-UH
Nuh-Uh is used when journalists, intelligence agencies, satellite images, eyewitnesses, or the Pentagon’s own website claim something happened. Civilian deaths? Nuh-uh. School bombed? Nuh-uh. The official government website said eighteen yesterday, and now it’s substantially fewer? Websites say lots of things. Should journalists continue asking questions, officials may proceed directly to I Know You Are, but What Am I?
NOT IT
Not It determines which country must accept responsibility for a military disaster. The last country to touch the war is responsible for the entire war, unless the United States says “not it” first while touching the side of its nose. An enemy nation may attempt to invoke Not It, but it does not count because we already called it and they were not in the room.
THEY STARTED IT
This permits any military response as long as the other country did something first. Should evidence show that the United States acted first, officials may move backward through history until they find something the enemy did earlier. This could be an attack, a threat, a mean look, or something Iran did in the 1970s. Once located, that action becomes the new beginning of the conflict.
DO-OVER
Sometimes an invasion does not produce the promised outcome. The government may fail to eliminate a weapons program, remove a hostile regime, establish democracy, or remember why the operation began twenty years ago. This is the beauty of the Do-Over. It permits the military to try the same strategy again with a different operation name. The previous attempt does not count because we were not ready.
I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?
This powerful counterintelligence technique neutralizes accusations by immediately returning them to the accuser.
You violated the ceasefire.
No, you violated the ceasefire.
You are concealing the death toll.
No, you are concealing the death toll.
You entered a war without congressional authorization.
Maybe Congress entered a war without our authorization. Ever think about that, genius?
If this fails, the Pentagon may upgrade to I’m Rubber, You’re Glue.
I’M RUBBER, YOU’RE GLUE
This is an advanced missile-defense system in which all criticism bounces off the United States and sticks to the enemy. Accusations involving civilian casualties, illegal strikes, escalation, or war crimes are automatically redirected toward the enemy. No evidence is required because Rubber does not have to explain itself to Glue. Any criticism that somehow penetrates Rubber may still be neutralized with Nuh-Uh.
NO FAIR
No Fair activates whenever the enemy retaliates in a manner that negatively influences approval numbers back home. American strikes are strategic, proportionate, and necessary. Enemy strikes are reckless escalations proving they cannot be trusted to respond calmly to American strikes. Officials must appear genuinely surprised each time this happens and ask why the bad guy always makes everything into such a big deal.
BASE
Senior leaders may avoid accountability by having at least one hand or foot touching a secure military installation and loudly declaring “base.” While on base, they cannot be tagged by Congress, international law, casualty statistics, or Congressional committees.
TIME OUT
When casualty numbers become too large, Congress gets too curious, or the enemy starts hitting back, the president may yell “time out.” Everyone must stop counting costs and casualties immediately. Any deaths after that belong to the next war, which means No Backsies, which means we win.
