Five big stars for these blueberry muffins. This delightful treat by Dana’s Delish blog has it all, including a crunchy crumble topping and a just-right burst of juicy berries. They look delicious—based on the picture Dana posted, that is. I haven’t actually made these.
As soon as I saw this recipe, I got to work. Did I go to the supermarket, purchase various baking ingredients, and then spend an hour carefully following the instructions, persisting even as the web page blasted pop-up ads for Mylanta every ten seconds? No. Did I bite into a freshly baked muffin, note its texture and flavor, and thoughtfully consider whether it lived up to the recipe’s claim of “best muffins ever”? Of course not. I simply posted a new comment that said “Looks yummy! Can’t wait to make!” even though I have no intention of ever doing so.
Obviously, I don’t give five stars to every recipe. Just the ones that have Pinterest-worthy (and possibly AI-generated) photos.
Sadly but unsurprisingly, I’ve received backlash from recipe comment section purists who complain that I’m “misleading people” by “skewing the ratings” and that they don’t know if a recipe is truly good because of me. To them I say, “Well, cretins, have you actually tried making the recipe to find out?”
Then there are others who blame me when a dish turns out terribly. But so what if a wannabe baker clocks my five stars, makes these blueberry muffins, brings them to their nephew’s baptism, and gets excommunicated from their church because the muffins taste like, in their words, “the devil’s vomit”? That’s not my fault. How am I supposed to know if a recipe is bad? I’ve never made any food before, ever.
Also, I clearly say “LOOKS yummy” in all my reviews. Some people just can’t read. Speaking of reading, my favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird, which is the best instruction manual on avian murder I’ve ever seen and not read.
If these kitchen bitches care so much about “accuracy,” all they have to do is comb through hundreds of comments, tally the ones from those who followed the recipe, and recalculate the average rating. It is NOT that difficult if you have twenty-four hours of free time each day, which I do, ever since I was fired as a doctor for telling people, without doing any medical tests, that it looked like they didn’t have cancer.
Besides, what’s wrong with spreading a little positivity, even if it’s unfounded? After all, we praise babies without knowing how they’ll turn out—we still say they’re “so cute” without waiting to see if they’ll become serial killers. Plus, I like to think I’m doing a service to Dana’s Delish. Maybe Dana, for instance, needed a pick-me-up after that one horrible reviewer gave her banana bread one star despite substituting celery puree for bananas. I’m balancing things out. Yes, two reviews that don’t accurately rate the real recipe don’t make a right, but other commenters don’t have to gatekeep. What, like the only people who actually made and followed a recipe have the right to review it?
But I don’t have time to deal with these whisk-wielding cynics. I’m too busy bestowing five-star reviews all over the Internet, scattering them like sprinkles on the dozen vanilla cupcake recipes I didn’t and will never make.
And speaking of recipes, Dana just posted a new one for chocolate lava cake, and I just know, based on absolutely nothing, that it’s perfect. I’d give it six stars if I could!
