It’s a little embarrassing, but yeah, you’ve probably heard of me. Cyclosporiasis? I’m kind of, like, the most famous parasitic illness in the country right now? It’s so crazy, dude, but I’m grateful for the platform. Now I can transmit my talents to my true passion: Music.
When I’m not busy making people poop so bad they wish they’d never been born, all I can think about is lyrics, chords, interesting little beats and sounds. I find inspiration everywhere. As a global parasite, I’ve been fortunate to be exposed to countless different cultures, traditions, and types of bathroom tile. Maman, Majko, Nanay: The sound of hosts crying out for their mommies is so different depending on where in the world you’re gestating!
I’ve been grinding away at mass infection for years now without recognition. Always on tour. New city, new produce section, new digestive system, day in and day out. Every time I’d ride down a fresh host’s esophagus like a Hieronymus Bosch waterslide, I’d think, Could this one finally be my big break? The plan was always to create a state of widespread intestinal chaos so extreme, it’d get me noticed. Then, make the move to multi-hyphenate microorganism.
I know that from the outside, my success seems as sudden and uninterrupted as the anal Niagara Falls I’ve been creating in my hosts’ toilets. But it hasn’t been easy. It’s taken years of workshopping. While at first I focused on cramping and vomiting, once I started dabbling in diarrhea I knew I was onto something big. But I could never get it watery, intestine-flecked, or downright hateful enough to garner national attention. I knew I needed to lock in and create a public health emergency if I was serious about my career. I studied the work of the greats: Dysentery, Norovirus, Taco Bell Doritos Locos. I tinkered and tested. Now, it’s incredible to see it all work out (of people’s systems).
Ultimately, I’m grateful to be famous later in life. When you’re young, hungry, and filled with rows and rows of very scary little vampire teeth, you’re desperate for validation. But now that I’m older, more biologically evolved, I know I’m putting out my best work. I’ve picked up so many new skills. I can turn the contents of your stomach into pure liquid magma in record time. I can make the excretions so relentless, so powerful, that you’ll look in the bowl and think, Is that a piece of my spleen in there? Will I eventually flip inside out if I keep pooping like this? Is there a God, and is he merciful enough to strike me dead soon? Plus, I’ve gotten really good at Wordle.
It’s amazing to be recognized for my work, but I want people to know there’s so much more to me than just this one super-spreader event. I hope all my new hosts will stick with me through this exciting next chapter of my career. I’ve been hard at work in the studio, and I can’t wait to share what I’ve been up to. With my newfound fame, I’ve been able to bring in some A-list names to produce my next EP. Rick Rubin, Dr. Luke. Some of the biggest buttholes in the business.
Once the EP is out, I’m planning on a small club tour. Something intimate. Show my hosts a new side of me. It’s the least I can do, I think, after seeing the insides of all of them.
Please be sure to sign up for my email list. When I get my dates booked, that’s when I’ll be spreading the word—and the word only. I promise. But just to be safe, maybe skip that bagged kale salad for lunch. It looks familiar to me.
