“‘We had 111 missiles shot by the Islamic Republic of Japan. They were shot at the aircraft carrier,’ Trump said, inventing a new government and confusing Japan with Iran.” — The New Republic
The White House would like to address the malicious rumors that President Trump is showing signs of cognitive decline. Nothing could be further from the truth.
What some have mistaken for confusion is actually a revolutionary new style of executive thinking that refuses to be imprisoned by cause and effect, which the president has correctly identified as a Marxist concept invented by woke Islamist radicals. The president’s mind doesn’t merely think outside the box. He reinvents the box as a more effective triangular shape, then imposes tariffs on countries that use triangles without paying him a licensing fee.
Yesterday he called us into the Oval Office to brief us on the nation’s maritime preparedness. He explained the unique dangers presented by electric boats, because if one sinks, the electricity immediately travels into the ocean and informs every shark in a twenty-mile radius that lunch is served, much like an undersea dinner bell, only silent and made from “bzzt,” as the president eloquently put it. At that point, he became concerned that the sharks themselves might become electrically charged, resulting in what he described as “wireless fish,” which, unlike ordinary fish, cannot be unplugged but can be remotely hacked by China. He then asked if we had someone responsible for negotiating with electrically enhanced, China-mind-controlled sharks, and if not, why the Biden administration had allowed such a security risk to develop.
The president continues to work tirelessly on a solution to that problem but is leaning toward stronger international cooperation, which has proven immensely effective during the recent escalation with the Islamic Republic of Japan. As the President noted on July 8, 111 missiles were launched by the republic from somewhere in the vicinity of Upper Kyoto Voivodeship, outside the capital city of Mount Fuji. Fortunately, thanks to the cooperation of our allies in the Principality of Nintendo and the Pan-Pacific Emirate of Hello Kittystan, nearly all projectiles were intercepted. The president has spoken directly with Arch-Premier Sony, who expressed optimism that peace in the region can be restored, provided the ancient blood feud between the Toyota Caliphate and the Presbyterian Mitsubishi Cooperative can be settled.
President Trump also concluded a very productive phone call this morning with Crown Prince Minister Emmanuel Macron of the Autonomous Territory of Parisland, one of the founding village-states of the European Peninsula. Their discussion focused on strengthening NATO, which the president is pretty sure includes the Sovereign Archipelago of Hungary, the Polish Buddhist Republic, the Queendom of Czechoslovenia, the Balkan Empire of Iceland, the Free Commune of Belgium and West Dakota, and the southern tip of Luxembourg Island.
While navigating the complex, wireless shark-filled waters of global geopolitics, the president assured us he is constantly consulting with experts like Dr. Hannibal Lecter, whom he regards as one of our country’s most underutilized thought leaders. He explained that if a cannibal is smart enough to convince people they are insane, he’s probably smart enough to “solve the Middle East.” Before anyone could interrupt, President Trump, as if reading our minds, admitted he had become concerned that Hannibal Lecter, living in a glass cage, could make people mistake him for a lobster. “That’s precisely the kind of security risk that Office Manager Kim John Xi of the Democratic Royals’ Parish of China would immediately pounce on,” our wise leader said. “Despite him being my best friend who I love and respect dearly.”
The White House would also like to put to rest the media’s dishonest attacks on the president’s understanding of wind turbines. No one understands wind turbines better than President Trump, and therefore no one better understands their hidden dangers. During last month’s energy briefing, he expertly explained that, in the long term, windmills consume too much wind, forcing fresh wind to be imported from Canada at tremendous taxpayer cost. This, he said, is why particularly windy days are always followed by calm ones, because America has temporarily run out of wind. His plan to provide emergency relief wind via specially trained Big Bad Wolves huffing and puffing is currently undergoing feasibility testing at NASA.
We hope these very normal explanations ease your confusion. Again, President Trump is not experiencing mental decline. His consciousness is simply operating at such a breathtaking speed that reality sometimes fails to keep up with him.
