PRESS RELEASE
- In a clinical trial, XANTOBI delivered weight loss of up to 406 pounds, or 100 percent of patients’ starting weight.
- Study participants experienced an average loss of 147 pounds and a reduction in opacity by several degrees.
- Eighty-six percent of participants fully transitioned their corporeal forms to an alternate multiverse timeline via astral travel.
XANTOBI works by loosening the chemical and physical bonds of existence, allowing patients to gradually transition to the astral plane, where they can choose an alternate universe to exist in: one without combustion engines, for example, or Stephen Miller.
While XANTOBI is the most effective weight-loss intervention yet trialed, its effects on patient weight have been overshadowed by its remarkable ability to provide a painless, death-free exit from this absolutely absurd current state of affairs.
“As transparency increases, weight decreases,” said Sarah Clark, Director of Client Experience. “Some clients choose to plateau at, say, 10 percent transparency, and enjoy significant savings on sunscreen and skincare products.”
In practice, however, it appears that most patients, once they have had a taste of life in a different and presumably less messed-up timeline, choose to continue their transition outta here.
How XANTOBI can defy the laws of physics is still under investigation. However, initial findings suggest that it may be related to the peptide’s ability to bind to and activate GLP-1 receptors in the human soul.
As is often the case with GLP-1 receptor agonists like Wegovy and Ozempic, there is more to learn about XANTOBI’s effects and mechanisms of action. Initial indications suggest that the drug—now delivered in an improved, more digestible format that sets off an extremely tiny, tightly controlled thermonuclear reaction contained entirely inside the patient’s stomach—may also improve mild acne and mild to moderate premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). More research is warranted.
“With a little help from XANTOBI, people wishing to transport themselves to another dimension and leave this miserable overheated cesspool of corruption and misery behind can safely do so,” Clark said. “These patients are absolutely still alive, just somewhere else. We know because we’ve conducted follow-up surveys with them. The internet appears to still work in both the astral plane and almost every alternate timeline we’ve been in contact with.”
Unlike other GLP-1 receptor agonists, the effects of XANTOBI are permanent. Fortunately, most patients who have chosen a different timeline have expressed no desire to return to this timeline.
One of the study’s most striking findings is that even 3.4 percent of participants receiving a placebo experienced increased partial transparency, with several individuals vanishing outright. More research is needed, but this suggests that people are so miserable they may transport themselves to another dimension through sheer force of will.
As of press time, further studies are underway to slow the transparency process and increase profitability.
