BEER/WINE/COCKTAILS
“Try one of our new signature seasonal cocktails, Sour Cherry Fizz-Tini, Ocean Mist Margarita, or No Drama Bahama Mama!”
A cursory reading of the above might lead one to believe the restaurant is no longer offering its popular White Chocolate Russian Milkshake from the winter menu. However, a trained scholar like myself knows that when TGI Fridays first opened, seasonal menu items were unheard of, and all mixed drinks were offered year-round. Thus, it shall be understood that forthwith this establishment shall forever make available the White Chocolate Russian Milkshake, which just so happens to be the favorite cocktail of my beloved wife, Ginni.”
APPETIZERS
“Enjoy our world-famous chicken tenders, with your choice of barbecue, ranch, or honey mustard sauce.”
A prime example of the importance of studying the framer’s extant writings. Grab any Joe Schmo off the street and ask him what this passage means, and he’ll say, “Well, it seems to say you can have your tendies served with a side of barbecue, ranch, or honey mustard sauce.” Now, ask a rigorously disciplined student of history such as myself—someone who has, in fact, read in their entirety all of Fridays’ founders Alan Stillman and Daniel R. Scoggin’s personal journals—and I’ll tell you the reality, which is that there was always intended to be a secret, fourth tendie sauce, known alluringly as “Island Heat.” It’s available only to those who know to ask for it, such as me and my dinner party here tonight.
Snap, snap. Make it so, server.
ENTREES
“Sorry, no modifications may be made to our signature burgers.”
People sometimes accuse me of being a political actor, contorting the menu until it tells me what I want to hear. But that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of my process in this booth. I’m merely an impartial vessel through which the original intent of the TGI Fridays menu can flow uninhibited. All this is to say that this passage here means I can take my shoes off in the restaurant if my feet start to hurt.
“Sandwiches come with your choice of fries, tater tots, or steamed veggies.”
Let it be known that in this context “fries” means “onion rings,” “tater tots” means “mozzarella sticks,” and “steamed veggies” means… (confers in hushed tones with table)… “Ooey Gooey Molten Chocolate Lava Brownie Bites.”
Shadow-docket ruling: No explanation will be forthcoming.
“Dressing options for salads include Balsamic, Caesar, Italian, or Ranch.”
Unfortunately, the meaning here is abundantly clear: Thousand Island is not, I repeat not, offered as a salad dressing—wait, hang on… It’s been brought to my attention that a wealthy Thousand Island Dressing Tycoon wearing a cowboy hat and spurs is currently cutting a novelty oversized check for me at the next table… I hereby stay this ruling and will return to it next term, when perhaps my historical understanding of the situation will have broadened (slaps coaster on the table repeatedly like a gavel).
DESSERTS/SIDES/DRINKS
“Proudly serving Coke products.”
Reading this amendment in the context in which it was written, you will understand that it plainly says they offer Coke products and Coke products alone.
Now you may say, “Look, Clarence, didn’t you just last week say that this section meant the exact opposite?” Well, I’ll point out to you that the ruling was made regarding the TGI Fridays in Fairvale, whose highly elitist owner has, sadly, said some rather nasty things about me and my foot odor to the local paper. Therefore, I decree it is incumbent upon him when I visit his restaurant to run out to the local bodega and grab me some Mountain Dew or maybe a Starry or something, whereas the manager of this fine establishment, a true gentleman, a proud patriot, and yes, a J-6er, carries no such additional requirement.
THANKS FOR VISITING!
“A 20 percent gratuity will be applied to all tables larger than ten.”
Now, this is interesting. In 1965, when the first TGI Fridays opened in Times Square, a customary tip was 10 percent, with 15 percent considered exceedingly generous. After factoring in inflation and global market trends, the expectation that, in the year of our Lord 2026, I should add a whopping 20 percent to my bill just so my server can continue funding his tattoo collection is preposterous.
Look, I’m not coming at this stuff with an agenda. I’m just calling balls and strikes here.
“Credit card and Apple Pay are accepted for your convenience at our tableside touchscreen interfaces.”
No mention is made at any point prior to this amendment of a touchscreen payment option at our table, and, in fact, no such screen would even have existed as of the original writing of this menu. Therefore, the law is clear: I do not have to pay for this meal. (Discharges live firearm into ceiling, peels out of parking lot in luxury RV, with Ginni’s arm wrapped around waist. He returns hours later to retrieve shoes.)
