Dear United States,
Please accept these civil and cautiously optimistic congratulations on achieving a quarter millennium as a nation. We hope this reaches you in time for the celebrations. We didn’t realize that a “semiquincentennial” was an actual thing. Sorry. It’s become really hard to tell when you’re trolling and when you’re being sincere with an alarming amount of confidence.
Our invitation was addressed to the “51st state,” so we assumed it was some kind of Trojan-horse-style scheme and threw it away without opening it. We were sure it was just another excuse for your president to put his image on something. It’s only now that we’re discovering there are too many multisyllabic synonyms for this unpronounceable milestone to be completely fictitious. Our bad. As usual, you are older, wiser, and not just inventing reasons to print a novelty 250-dollar bill.
Since we’re not sure what’s going on with international flights at your airports right now, and your customs enforcement has been making us a little jumpy these days, please accept these digital well wishes on your bisesquicentennial. We were going to send you something, but we couldn’t remember if the traditional gift for 250 is aluminum or softwood lumber. Or is it just straight tariffs for a sestercentennial? We always get that one mixed up with quasquicentennial, and since exports are a touchy subject, we didn’t want to ask. Besides, we weren’t sure whether any gift we sent would be classified as a foreign import, a domestic transfer, or the opening move in a constitutional negotiation. Money is tight right now anyway. We’re sure you understand.
Forgive us; we waited too long to get you something, and now we’re scrambling. Frankly, we weren’t even sure you were going to make it this far, so we were kinda putting it off. We threw this letter together as it’s become increasingly obvious that you are indeed celebrating, however unlikely, your continued existence as a unified country and not using a White House UFC match as a cover for some kind of annexation scheme. (Although Alberta remains hopeful. They also have some questions about your “Freedom Trucks.”)
We would visit, but we know you’re busy redoing your pool, building a ballroom, trying to stay awake while holding together a complex and robust federation. You probably don’t have time to meet with a modest, independent constitutional monarchy like us. We missed you at our sesquicentennial back in 2017, by the way. In fairness, we understand that at the time you regarded us as a neighbouring country rather than a long-term acquisition target. It’s fine. We figured you had a lot on your plate, and that’s why you forgot to RSVP. It’s hard to keep track of these national celebrations that play linguistic god with Latin prefixes when you’ve got a constitution to uphold, amirite? You were preoccupied with… whatever was going on at the time. We’re sure you got it all worked out by now.
Maybe we can catch up at our septaquintaquinquecentennial. You’ve probably already got it marked on your calendar since it is also a very real word for a very real number of years that a sovereign state may choose to celebrate in a grandiose manner. If not, we’ll catch up at your bicenterquasquigenary. We wouldn’t miss it, and we’re sure you won’t either.
Until then, take care, eh?
— Canada
