Welcome, soccer fans from around the globe, to the 2026 FIFA World Cup in the United States, Mexico, and Canada. We hope you have a pleasant stay with us and enjoy all the exciting experiences North America has to offer.
Oh, and by the way, we’re monetizing the oxygen.
Yes, we know it’s a bummer. However, due to low ticket sales, low hotel bookings, and generally low enthusiasm, oxygen is the only necessity left for us to exploit. Thanks to European disdain for endless commercial breaks and the universal objection to using the center circle to advertise Bud Light, oxygen is now our last avenue for profit. We hope you can understand.
FAQ
How do we access the oxygen?
Thousands of O-Two anti-suffocation stations will be installed in every host city at the low cost of just $0.20 per minute. From Boston to New York, Vancouver to Monterrey, fans will be able to suck down that sweet oxygen to their heart’s content.
Will North Americans have to pay for oxygen?
In short, no. For the past two years, we have been slowly adding trace amounts of ammonia into North America until our air finally became unbreathable. However, during this period, our bodies have adapted to the additional ammonia, so only tourists are susceptible to our deadly atmosphere.
How long can I survive in the ammonia?
Depending on the person, vital organs will begin shutting down within two to five minutes of arriving in North America. For ease of survival, fans are urged to pre-book their life-saving O-Two before traveling to avoid any disappointment of a slow, painful death.
Travelers are also advised to pack goggles in the unlikely event that the ammonia burns out their retinas.
Does O-Two offer a free trial?
Yes. To receive your five-minute free trial of oxygen, please download our brand new O-Two app, where you’ll be able to track your oxygen levels, chances of survival, and connect with other suffocating soccer fans near you.
Once your free trial ends, you will be asked to subscribe to O-Two Infinity for just $149.99 a month, which includes a free O-Two coffee tumbler while stocks last.
Is there an ad-free version?
The ad-free version of O-Two is offered at a reduced rate of $139.99 per month. Please be advised that oxygen will be turned off during commercial breaks. For users who cannot hold their breath for four and a half minutes, we strongly recommend subscribing to our all-access tier.
What about the players?
Similar to cooling breaks, players will be permitted three-minute oxygen breaks at a reduced rate of $0.15 per minute. To keep things flowing at a fast pace, we’ve limited teams to a maximum of twenty oxygen breaks each half, which works out at a barely noticeable two hours of additional time.
Inspired by concussion substitutions, we’re also introducing brand-new suffocation substitutions, just in case a player doesn’t make it back to the bench in time.
This is messed up, right?
Agree to disagree. Oxygen is a vital component of human survival. It’s really no different from water when you think about it. Yet we spend hundreds of dollars on that every year, don’t we? If anything, we should’ve done this sooner.
If we purchase your oxygen, will you at least stop calling it “soccer”?
We’ll think about it.
