I read the news. I hear the cries for help. “New York has a housing crisis.” “The cost of food is too high in New York.” “Crime is too high in New York.” “Crime is too low in New York.” “Zohran will save us.” “Zohran will kill us all.” And to this I say: “You have no fucking idea.” I recently saw a place wracked with so much pain, destruction, corruption, and unease that it makes our home here look like a shining city on a hill. It’s not too far either—so close in fact that traveling there feels as simple as traveling to one’s own living room. The citizens of this town have something real to fear. Their issues aren’t mired in political discourse, but live on the surface of their streets every waking moment.
That is because they live in Roku City.
Some of you are familiar. You have seen the woes of their not-so-sleepy town from the idle revolutions of your TV screens. And yet others remain skeptical that their plight is far less than the average New Yorker’s. You see their still-working movie theater and their two cafés and think all is well. I’m here to tell you: Roku City is on the brink of ruin, and it’s up to you to help curb this chaos with a low membership fee of just $25/month to support their cause.
Look past their recreation of the Golden Gate Bridge. Do you not see the kraken emerging from behind it? What about the giant robot stomping around, crushing things? Even if the people were to ignore the ever-erupting volcano, the nearby city of Oz—yes, that Oz—is still drawing all the tourism revenue away from the small-business owners in the town. And yes, rampant political spending continues to cripple their economy. Rather than fight any of these issues, the mayor’s office invested in a Ferris wheel to provide a view of the alien attacks.
And look, I get it, of course we have a housing crisis in New York. There are 8.5 million New Yorkers and only 3.7 million apartments. But guess what? There are 50 million Roku users and only three apartment buildings. Four, if you count the former warehouse that looks like they’re converting into lofts. It’s supply and demand. A one-bedroom apartment is currently listed at $45,000/month.
The city is on the verge of bankruptcy. Not from natural disasters or economic depression (though those factors aren’t good), but because they love re-creating supertall office buildings that look exactly like other famous office buildings. If it were just a few, I’d understand. Transamerica Pyramid in San Francisco, the Freedom Tower in New York, and even Big Ben in London. Fine. Everyone loves an icon. But the AT&T Building in Nashville isn’t famous enough to re-create. Also, did they need to build an Empire State Building when they knew another King Kong lived just behind those mountains? These are the basic city-planning fuckups that could have been avoided with the right kind of leadership.
It’s not that I think we need to step in and tell the Roku City council how to run their town. But I think a few sound-minded points from people who care will go a long way here. For instance, if they were to cut funding to get rid of the nuclear power plant and land the Hindenburg-sized airships floating around, they probably wouldn’t need to spend money on all that explosion security. They could use that extra money to give people health care, build a school, or offer universal pre-K.
Riverboat gambling is apparently still legal in Roku City, too, and for what? So residents can have a better view of the island prison? If we can help elect a new government, these gambling vessels and pirate ships will be transformed into free ferries to get across the bay fast enough that the sea kraken cannot catch them.
Where there is darkness, there must also be light. While Roku City is calling out for our help, they still have something that even New York has let fall by the wayside, something we can learn from them: a classic diner.
