He lives with your family, and he’s sort of your brother.
Not a red flag. Because he’s not your actual brother, and everyone has already met the parents.
He is repeatedly bullied by your actual brother.
Not a red flag. Kids are resilient, and there is no evidence that individuals who were persistently dehumanized by a jealous/racist quasi-sibling are more likely to become Byronic antiheroes than those who were not.
He keeps track of the number of days you spend with him and the number you spend with the boy next door.
Not a red flag. Keeping track of the household calendar is unpaid labor, and if this is new information for you, what else have you been taking for granted?
He hurls a tureen of boiling applesauce at the boy next door.
Not a red flag. A good reminder that commenting on another person’s hair is not without risk, and a testament to the dangers of serving applesauce unchilled.
He leaves for three years without saying goodbye.
Not a red flag. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, yours should be positively enamored. Also—and please know it gives me no pleasure to ask this, but—DID YOU CHECK THE CALENDAR?
He marries your sister-in-law.
Not a red flag, since he could just as well claim that you married his brother-in-law. Plus, it will make holiday gatherings more intimate. Between this and the shared parents, nobody should get stuck sleeping in the haunted bed closet.
He tries to kill your sister-in-law’s springer spaniel by hanging it from a bridle hook.
LOOK. It’s not great. But is it the type of behavior that will definitively stop people from imagining him as a romantic lead? Something tells me we aren’t there yet.
He causes you emotional turmoil to the point of death.
Not a red flag. As the old fourth-grade proverb goes: “Who do you hate? That’s who you date.” Seems pretty straightforward in your case.
He digs up your grave.
Not a red flag. It used to be, if you liked someone, you would call them up, ask them out, and then head over to their final resting place to unearth them yourself. These days, most dates don’t even bring their own shovel. Remember: Chivalry doesn’t have to be dead just because you are!
He exploits your brother’s gambling addiction, kidnaps your daughter, and forces his dying son into a marriage, all so he can gain control of your childhood home and your late husband’s estate.
Not a red flag. The path to homeownership looks different for everyone. Building credit may work for some, but for every person who was able to put down 20 percent, there was another who had to orchestrate an entire wedding / extortion / hostage situation.
He digs up your grave, again.
It’s a red flag. Not because it’s unromantic, of course, but because it’s too much, too soon. Ever heard of love bombing?
