A quart of ice cream every hour?
No.
Any processed food?
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin’ Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no.
How about the beer for sale at the football stadium?
No.
Even the Budweiser from the ad with the eagle and horse, which looked like Pegasus, made me cry.
That is also a no from Mike Tyson.
Anything fudgey that makes people feel fudgey?
Definitely not.
What about the single salty tear that runs down your face when you cry?
No, the sodium content is too high.
RFK Jr’s new inverted food triangle ends the war on protein, but my doctor says to limit my cholesterol intake. Should I still consume more cheese, meat, and whole-fat milk?
Yes! MAHA!
So I can have cheese even if it’s processed?
Yes. No. Trick question.
What if RFK Jr. brings a hunk of meat to a Super Bowl party in his bare hands, and insists that fresh, raw protein is the best protein, and starts tearing the hunk of unidentified animal flesh into ribbons, gulping it down, and screaming that it tastes like chicken?
No. Even Mike Tyson isn’t eating that.
How about a very aggressively bitten carrot?
Yes.
A very aggressively bitten apple?
Yes.
A very aggressively bitten carrot or apple that you chew with your mouth open?
Yes.
What about a very aggressively bitten apple that you chew alongside a friend who is also aggressively biting and chewing an apple?
Hell yes!
A very aggressively bitten human ear?
No comment.
