“In a text message over the weekend, President Trump told Jonas Gahr Store, Norway’s prime minister, that since being denied the Nobel Peace Prize, he no longer felt obliged to ‘think purely of Peace.’” — New York Times
Mayor McCheese,
Sad to write this, very sad, but after what happened with the McDonald’s Monopoly game (TOTAL ROBBERY! Everyone knows I should have won), I no longer feel bound by the outdated, very weak concept of “lovin’ it.” Peace is still on the table, always has been, I INVENTED peace, but now I’m allowed to think about what’s good, what’s strong, and what’s DELICIOUS for the United States of America.
And what’s good is McDonaldland.
People are asking, many people, strong people with great cholesterol: “Why doesn’t Trump own McDonaldland already?” I ask the same question. You, Mayor, are doing a very poor job of protecting it. I look at McDonaldland, and what do I see? Wide open spaces. Soft borders. Playgrounds. Slides. Grimace just standing around. Is he even a legal resident? Have you checked his birth certificate? You think the Burger King isn’t looking at that? You think that low-IQ nasty girl Wendy doesn’t see a land full of fry grease reserves and say, “Wow, that definitely should be ours”? Believe me, they’re looking. They’re ALWAYS looking.
And why do you even have the right to own McDonaldland? No one can explain it. There are no documents. Just a story about a clown who showed up decades ago in a little car. A car, Mayor. We had cars too. Better cars. Tremendous cars. The biggest cars in the world that eat up the most gas. So that argument is OVER.
Let’s be honest: You can’t protect McDonaldland. You don’t have the military power. You don’t have the fry power. You don’t even have a real air force, just that weird bird lady who promotes Sausage McMuffins. Sad! McDonaldland is not safe unless we have Complete and Total Control. People say, “Donald, this is ridiculous.” Same people said that when I said that I’d win and Make America Great Again. Same people said that when I said that Grimace helped get his “Uncle” O’Grimacey into McDonaldland on a falsified family visa. Have you seen O’Grimacey around lately? Think about that.
Some people are saying this is about fries. It’s not just fries. It’s also about the Big Macs. And about security. It’s about strength. It’s about making sure hostile actors don’t weaponize the milkshake machine, which leftist terrorists have already used in the past against brave American patriots who now have permanent brain damage!
Here’s the very fair deal: You sell McDonaldland to me, to the United States, and we make it incredible. The golden arches will be made from actual gold! Or you keep pretending you’re in charge while foreign powers circle your fries like seagulls. I don’t want to do this the hard way. But I will if I have to. Very politely, but also very manly and sanely.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
— President DJT
