“Why, for fifty-three years, I’ve put up with it now! I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?” — Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
1. He’s roughly fifty-three years old, give or take.
2. Unlike the music from his day, he thinks everything the youth are listening to is just a bunch of noise, noise, noise, NOISE.
3. Anticommercialist. Every year, he makes the same cynical comments about Christmas.
4. He’s used to being culturally excluded, forgotten, and ignored. But he doesn’t care.
5. Deep contempt for groupthink and is suspicious of the motivations of people, corporations, and the government.
6. He was a latch-key kid and still thrives with lots of alone time.
7. Definitely got some sort of heart trouble. You can tell by looking at him.
8. He wears his apathy as armor because he’s emotionally ill-equipped to handle the earnest sentimentality that comes with the holiday season.
9. His awkward presence could be described as “lurking.”
10. Even if he’s happily married, he’s got that divorced-guy energy.
11. He’s shabbily attired and will be inappropriately underdressed at every holiday function.
12. He responds to holiday merriment and well-wishes with a sneer.
13. He’s known for being a slacker, but will surprise you with one area of extreme competency. Like maybe he’s really good at guitar, knows an unsettling amount about municipal zoning laws, or can build a last-minute sleigh out of whatever’s in the garage.
14. His dog is his only friend.
15. He’ll get through Christmas the same way he gets through anything: gallows humor.
16. Despite his scrawny arms, you’re going to let him carve the holiday roast. Because even though he’s a sloppy asshole, you love him and want him to feel important and useful.
17. He’s literally green.
18. He won’t shut up about the band Pavement.
1–17: This is the Grinch. If he seems sad, it’s because he hasn’t learned the true meaning of Christmas. Help him get through the holidays by allowing him to commit a B and E on your house, supporting him through his subsequent breakdown, and taking him to the hospital if his heart becomes enlarged.
1–16 + 18: This is a Gen-X man at Christmas. If he seems sad, it’s because he’s nostalgic for pre-digital life. Help him get through the holidays by supplying coffee, sensible sneakers, access to a dark, quiet room, and taking him to the hospital if his heart becomes enlarged.
