“President Donald Trump on Wednesday sought to bring a swift end to perhaps the most damaging saga of his term, signing a measure compelling the release of the Epstein files after losing a monthslong, tooth-and-nail fight to prevent their disclosure.” – CNN
Congress finally passed the Epstein Files Transparency Act (also known as “EPTA,” “FML,” or “RIPDJT”), and I could not have been happier to sign this bipartisan bill into law. In fact, my hands are rattling with uncontrollable excitement, and my teeth are so gritted with anticipation that they’re grinding into white tooth dust. That’s how much I love this bill.
Listen, nobody is more pumped for this bill to become law than me. The only reason I spent months fighting with every fiber of my being to block the release of the Epstein files was that I knew that the harder I fought it, the faster Congress would push it through. I’m glad my strategy paid off—you can tell by the way my forehead is dripping with joyful sweat.
The truth is, the lying media and loser Democrats have all been playing checkers while I’ve been playing chess. And I know a thing or two about chess, because just like in chess, I’m a king who everyone is out to get.
Why did I spend months questioning the existence of these wonderful files? Why have I tried to distance myself from that creep Epstein, despite all the photos and emails and birthday cards? Because, like a grandmaster, I was employing a clever gambit that worked flawlessly. That’s why my heart was pounding out of my chest with glee when I put pen to paper and signed the bill.
Critics have accused me of spending the last week carrying out increasingly desperate antics in an effort to distract from the release of the Epstein files, including but not limited to:
- Inviting the socialist mayor-elect of New York City to the White House and then becoming so enamored by him that I began dressing exactly like him in a way that feels straight out of Mean Girls
- Threatening to execute Democratic lawmakers for suggesting that the military should follow the Constitution
- Proposing a Ukraine peace plan so pro-Russia that even Vladimir Putin was like, “You’re giving us the entire Donbas region? Are you sure?”
- Eliminating the penny because gold is better than copper, and also because many people are saying that I’m a better president than Lincoln
- Taking calls from the Washington Commanders begging me to let them name their new stadium after me
- Engaging in a sophisticated battle of wits with my greatest ally-turned-nemesis, Marjorie Taylor Greene
As usual, this is all fake news. I’ve actually spent most of the last week demonstrating how much I love women by calling them “piggy” (a term of endearment) and studying Louis C.K.’s ongoing redemption tour so that if I, too, face consequences for made-up sex crimes, I’ll have a blueprint for what to do. I’m basically the Bobby Fischer of PR crisis management in the sense that I’m a tactical genius famous for violently lashing out at my opponents and having weird views about race.
On that note, I have asked Attorney General Pam Bondi to open inquiries into the real abusers—prominent Democrats. And yes, launching new inquiries into Democrats with ties to Epstein will mean that Pam won’t be able to release certain files, since they would interfere with ongoing investigations. But keeping an undisclosed percentage of the Epstein files hidden from public view for who knows how long is a small price to pay for finally holding these corrupt liberals accountable.
Rest assured, though, the remaining files will be released, just with a few minor edits to some unfortunate nomenclature:
- “underage girls” will be replaced with “emerging women”
- “sex trafficking” will be replaced with “study abroad programs”
- “unwanted touching” will be replaced with “possibly wanted touching”
- “harm” will be replaced with “roofie-induced displays of affection”
- “pedophilia” will be replaced with “intergenerational outreach”
- “rape” will be replaced with “deregulated consent”
- “lecherous” will be replaced with “exuberant leadership style of a man unafraid to push boundaries and blur lines, especially the boundaries and lines that determine the metaphysical tenets of space and time and everything”
As much as it pains me to redact, amend, and withhold these files, I take solace in how much taxpayer money we will save on paper. That money will pay for lawyers when I file lawsuits against all of the Democrats who perpetrated this hoax.
Okay, so folks, don’t worry about me. This is what I’ve always wanted. And that sound of a growling dog being backed into a corner is just me snarling with delight. I still have plenty of moves. After all, you can’t lose at chess if you flip the board over.
