“Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced on Wednesday a new mandatory screening program to test all service members age 30 and older, including women, for testosterone deficiency annually.” – New York Times
In the past, Washington said the real dangers facing Americans were nuclear weapons, cyberattacks, China, terrorism, and online radicalization. I, too, have seen many of these reports.
But none of them capture the true threat facing the American public: low testosterone levels.
Numbers don’t lie. Since we started testing testosterone levels yesterday, the results were the worst this country has ever seen. Effective immediately, every god-fearing soldier will be jacked to the gills with T.
Consider the modern battlefield—a brutal and unrelenting place. On a remote base outside Las Vegas, a drone operator sits in an air-conditioned office, headset on, coffee in hand. Under this new directive, the operator’s testosterone levels that were once low are now dangerously high. Before his hand even touches the joystick, his hormone panel is transmitted through diplomatic channels. American T levels end the war before it even begins.
If the enemy doesn’t grasp what 1,472 nanograms per deciliter means—and to be honest, some of them won’t; that’s sort of the whole problem with these people—then yes, we get to send the missile.
But not just any missile. While our T enhancement program starts with the individual warfighter, we’re not stopping there. Our engineers are already developing next-generation payloads by replacing components in our missile programs with material that’s 100 percent natural, 100 percent destructive, and 100 percent pure American testosterone.
Now sure, some skeptics will say if testosterone is the answer for America, isn’t it the answer for the whole world? And to that I say, “We’re keeping this information top secret by releasing it on all major social media platforms.”
Once we’ve optimized the individual fighter and the arsenal, the last piece is infrastructure. That’s why, together with Secretary Kennedy at Health and Human Services, we’re removing fluoride from the water supply and replacing it with trace amounts of 100 percent pure testosterone, sourced exclusively from the manosphere.
Ladies of America, we kindly (but forcefully) ask that you refrain from drinking water.
I’ve heard the criticism. Some have asked whether providing government-funded T to our troops is a form of gender-affirming hormone therapy. Absolutely not. Gender-affirming hormone therapy is when the government gives service members testosterone to help them align their bodies with their gender identity. This T is being administered to align their bodies with the Pentagon’s identity.
Whether our military members are deployed to Iran, the Pacific theater, or the streets of Dubuque, Iowa, Americans can feel safe knowing our soldiers are now experiencing the combat-ready effects of mainlining testosterone, including increased aggression, acne, a low sperm count, and excessive body hair.
