Welcome to your beachside getaway. We are so glad to have you as our guests. Feel free to unpack, relax, kick off your shoes, and become better acquainted with your surroundings.
Your vacation officially starts now…
Just a tiny request. You see how the house has one locked door? The nondescript, yet alluring door catty-corner to the second-floor powder room?
Do not try to open it.
It may be five o’clock somewhere, but it is never ominous door o’clock here, no matter how it beckons.
A few quick “A’s” for your “Q’s”. Trash pickup is every Thursday, the Roku remote is velcroed to the top of the soundbar, and check-out time is 11 a.m. We also request that you secure the Florida room screen every evening, as an ajar door creates openings for nefarious actors.
You know, like raccoons, or other… creatures.
Please don’t forget to sign our guestbook. We love to hear from our visitors. We only ask that you not fill every blank page with questions about the sticky substance periodically oozing from the door or theories about the strange smells wafting from the room. Believe us when we say, as close as you think you are to figuring out the mystery of the door, you are not.
It’s best to imagine that what lies beyond the door is some of our (Peg and Drew, the property owner’s) personal effects. Don’t even consider that the door is hiding a singular, mystical object or entity that can solve your marital squabbles, gambling addiction, and/or career woes, but all at a terrible, ironic cost.
Honestly, you should get out of the house as much as possible. Please do not forgo day trips to Lohr beach or romantic dinners with your partner at Zeke’s Cafe in favor of sitting in marked silence pondering the door.
The door simply is, and it need not consume your entire Lowcountry escapade.
Vacationing with young kids?
KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THE DOOR.
Instead, take them to the Nature Discovery Center. It’s the perfect non-door-related activity for learning about local wildlife. They might also enjoy touring our quaint little town’s historical battlefields and numerous, numerous graveyards.
And be sure to stop by “Big” Ned’s hardware store. Ned has been selling grub axes and wood dissolvents to island guests for the past 157 7 years. If you buy an axe, you get a free boogie board.
There may be moments when you think you hear your late mother’s voice emanating from behind the door. Let us assure you, it is most definitely not your mother. If the wailing becomes unbearable, there’s Monopoly and a few impressionist jigsaw puzzles in the hall closet.
Need to make a quick grocery trip? The Piggly Wiggly on Magnolia Crescent has pantry staples and even some local goodies.
DO NOT FEED THE DOOR.
You may at some point consider sliding thinly sliced peppered turkey breast under the door. You may even convince yourself that it is your idea. You may eventually realize that peppered turkey is not enough, and the door hungers for “forbidden” meat. If this thought impregnates your mind, please contact Father McClingchy at Saint Genieve’s. Tell him you’re staying at Peg and Drew’s place (he’ll know what this means).
You can also contact the vacation rental service for extra towels.
Lastly, don’t forget to have fun. As we like to say around these parts, “Your life could end at any moment.”
Oh, also, the Wi-Fi password is “TheDOORseesALL666” (one word).
Life’s a beach!
— Peg & Drew
