“President Donald Trump called Monday for those he accused of vandalizing the newly renovated, and now quickly deteriorating, Reflecting Pool on the National Mall to face serious criminal charges that could result in lengthy prison sentences.” — CNN
President Trump’s second term continues to be a smashing success. He has single-handedly curbed inflation (with the exception of a few minor categories like food, housing, and transportation) and completely denuclearized Iran (if you don’t count the measly half-ton of near-weapons-grade uranium they still possess).
It seemed as though the president’s $14 million effort to renovate the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool would be yet another feather in his already feather-filled cap. But just a few days after the work was complete, the pool was choked with algae, and its newly painted “American Flag Blue” floor was peeling off.
There’s only one logical explanation for this: AMPHIFA.
Algae-loving radicals, or phycopaths, if you will, are hell-bent on desecrating this beloved national monument to undermine President Trump’s achievements while pushing their pro-plankton agenda. These saboteurs must be punished. Vandalizing a Washington, DC, landmark is a heinous crime.
Unless, of course, you’re doing it to overturn an election.
If there’s anyone who knows how to get a job done, it’s President Trump. That’s why he’s won three presidential elections, a FIFA Peace Prize, and a Washington Coal Club’s Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal Award (yes, that’s a real award, look it up).
So when it came time to renovate the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, the president did what any sensible project lead would do—he awarded a no-bid contract to a close personal acquaintance with little to no experience in renovating pools. Donald Trump always thinks outside the box, especially when that box is a check box that reads, “Did you follow the ethics guidelines of the Federal Acquisition Regulation?”
Tragically, what should have been a slam dunk for the president has turned into a scummy boondoggle thanks to cyanobacteria-obsessed fanatics who deliberately seeded the reflecting pool with microalgae and ripped up the pool’s beautiful, fresh coat of paint. Desecrating our nation’s capital in the name of a political agenda is wrong and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law—no ifs, ands, or buts.
There are, of course, exceptions. For instance, sometimes it is necessary to stand up to a tyrannical government that has failed to overturn a clearly rigged election. In that case, acts of vandalism—like stealing the House Speaker’s lectern, bludgeoning police officers with metal pipes, or defecating in the hallways of the Capitol—are not only completely acceptable, they’re patriotic.
Some claim that the arrests we’ve made are just a way to find a scapegoat for what is obviously a botched renovation job. But ask yourself: What’s more likely, that a group of twisted phytoplankton enthusiasts deliberately dumped a bunch of algae spores into the reflecting pool, then waded into the water and hacked up the paint at the bottom with a box cutter? Or that a shallow pool of hot water in direct sun grew algae, and then acidic hydrogen peroxide used to treat the algae ate away at the paint? There’s no doubt this was an inside job. Never underestimate the nefarious power of Big Diatom.
The only scapegoats in Washington, DC, are the brave January 6 protestors whose only crime was loving their country so much that they had no choice but to smear their own feces all over the walls of the Capitol and try to kill the sitting vice president. Compared to pouring microscopic plants into a pool of water, there’s no question which of the two crimes deserves a lengthy prison sentence.
To anyone else thinking of messing with the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, be warned: We will charge you with sedition and throw you in a cell. Unless, of course, it turns out the algae bloom is the result of fecal matter from January 6 slowly percolating into the reflecting pool years later. In that case, you were just doing your patriotic dootie.
