“Iran deal ends Trump’s war that revealed limit of US dominance.” — BBC
Step One: Withdraw from any agreement your predecessor made. A truly great negotiator does not inherit a deal; he wipes the slate clean so he can build one from nothing.
Step Two: Bomb them after claiming interest in negotiating. In negotiation, there are no rules, except one: ABB—Always Be Bombing.
Step Three: Claim victory. Announce that the nuclear sites have been completely destroyed. Do not worry if your intelligence officers tell you otherwise. Prematurely declaring “mission accomplished” signals to the enemy that you are well-versed in American military tactics.
Step Four: Continue to claim total victory until the reality becomes undeniable, then repeat Step Two. Demand the enemy’s complete and total surrender. Kill the person in charge, then kill the person you wanted to put in charge. Unpredictability is key to any quality negotiation. Never let them think you know what you’re doing.
Step Five: Mock allies for offering to help. A real negotiator goes it alone.
Step Six: Claim to be close to a deal. (Note: You do not need to actually be close.)
Step Seven: Threaten to destroy their entire civilization, preferably via your own social media platform. Make it clear that you do not want that to happen, and act as if it is beyond your control. To project maximal strength, a dealmaker must project maximal weakness.
Step Eight: Repeat steps five, six, and seven in an order of your choosing. If asked whether you regret claiming total victory, pivot to talking about your enemy’s imminent complete surrender.
Step Nine: Broker a two-week ceasefire. To avoid violating the War Powers Resolution, tell Congress that the war is officially over and you are now in the postwar phase. (Note: You can continue bombing both during the ceasefire and in the postwar phase. There is literally zero chance that Congress will stop you.)
Step Ten: Begin to back off your demand for complete and total surrender. Say that this was never your real goal.
Step Eleven: Send your second in command to negotiate on your behalf during the ceasefire. If possible, send your son-in-law and a real estate developer to help. It is essential for any dealmaker to have someone to blame when things don’t go their way.
Step Twelve (if applicable): If the enemy blocks a waterway, block their blockade. Uno Reverse is the most powerful card in the deck.
Step Thirteen: Extend ceasefire shortly before expiration, citing productive talks. If the enemy points out that there haven’t actually been any productive talks, double down. You must make it clear that you do not bow down to truth.
Step Fourteen: Clarify that you expect the allies you previously mocked to help you.
Step Fifteen (if applicable): Announce plan to help ships get through the blockaded waterway. Scrap the plan a couple of days later. You are not a helper; you’re a leader.
Step Sixteen: Announce that you are close to a deal. Repeat up to a dozen times, regardless of whether you’re in fact close.
Step Seventeen: Resume bombing. Steps Sixteen and Seventeen may be performed concurrently.
Step Eighteen: Sign a “memorandum of understanding” that reopens the waterway (if applicable) and leaves all the real issues for later.
Step Nineteen: If asked how this deal is better than the one you tore up in Step One, or if it was worth the thousands of lives lost, or if this deal actually brings us closer to preventing the enemy from acquiring a nuclear bomb, pivot to claiming that you are now in a “position of strength.” If possible, post videos of your Secretary of War doing push-ups to drive this point home.
Step Twenty: Declare victory for real this time. Mission accomplished.
