Brands like Chipotle, Dunkin, and Starbucks have started offering new protein-dense menu items. Here are more companies making exciting protein-based revamps.
Jamba Juice
This sweet smoothie brand is branching out into savory, high-protein options. Try the “shepherd’s pie” shake, which boasts sixty grams of protein and over 200 percent of your daily recommended value of gravy. Or make your own! Choose your base—minestrone, Italian wedding, or clam chowder—and throw in any of your favorite high-protein add-ins, like hard-boiled eggs, jerky, or branzino. Perfect on a hot summer day. Just make sure you ask for your shake deboned.
IKEA
With IKEA’s new line of high-protein furniture and household goods, even sitting on the couch can help you achieve your ideal physique. Cushions are filled with a mix of protein powder and beef bouillon, and each is outfitted with a mouthpiece so you can drink your pillows whenever you need to build muscle while you’re reading or watching TV. IKEA offers an easy monthly broth subscription service, so you’ll never forget to refill your pillows. As an added bonus, IKEA’s traditional instructions are printed on thin slices of lamb chops. Simply eat your lamb-structions after you’ve built your beef-case.
CVS Pharmacy
Your medications will now be coated in peanut butter, like the kind you give a dog. For even more of a protein fix, CVS is offering the “Rx+” service, which replaces all your pills with pistachios. If your heart gets swole enough, you won’t need blood pressure medication.
Oral-B
For something you put in your mouth twice a day, toothpaste has a shockingly low protein content. Oral-B has switched from a glycerin base to a ceviche base to increase the shrimp in your toothpaste exponentially. You can brush normally, just make sure you swallow every last drop. Wash your savory toothpaste down with a glass of minty fresh beef pho. Sometimes a whole shrimp gets caught in the toothpaste tube’s opening, so make sure you press firmly. Plus, Oral-B has announced it will soon branch out into high-protein tooth whitening, from a slurry of all-white-meat chicken breast.
ExxonMobil
Exxon has mixed a delectable blend of gasoline and egg whites for some of its select stations. Simply fill your own water bottle after you’ve filled up your car and chug. Comes in both “Denver omelette” and “unleaded” flavors.
Boeing
No one wants to experience an air travel emergency, but if you have to, you might as well get a dose of protein at the same time. Instead of flavorless and low-macro oxygen, the face masks that drop down during a cabin pressure emergency will be filled with cottage cheese. Make sure to let a flight attendant know if you are lactose intolerant—they can provide you with an alternative mask filled with flank steak instead.
USPS
Since their debut in 1971, the adhesives on stamps and envelopes have always had the same flavor. While absolutely delicious, the USPS has recognized this as a missed opportunity. So it’s introducing a new line of stamps with thin layers of tuna salad as a new glue base. Getting your daily value of protein will be as easy as sending 4,015 letters to your parents. Or Santa.
Nvidia
Nvidia has had a huge year, but they are not satisfied to rest on their laurels. For all of the tech capabilities, its processing chips have next to no protein content. Every Nvidia GPU will now have a core of raw turkey chili. As you use your computer for work or to play video games, the heat from the processing unit will boil the chili. As soon as the turkey is cooked through, the GPU goat-based intestinal casing will melt, allowing the chili to seep through your keyboard and USB ports. Collect the turkey chili on the Nvidia-branded chili mat that you’ve put under your computer and simply lick the chili right off. Then eat the mat—it’s made of kidney loaf. Each chili mat comes with a fifteen-dollar rebate toward the next computer you’ll have to buy, since yours is now destroyed. For just one computer a day, you’ll look and feel like a brand-new person.
US Mint
Coins is now ham.
