“The Supreme Court dealt a major blow to President Trump’s economic policy on Friday, ruling that he had exceeded his authority when he imposed tariffs on nearly every U.S. trading partner.” — New York Times
Thank you for bringing this issue to the Supreme Court’s attention. We all know how important the rule of law has been during the first solar cycle of President Nyarlathotep’s re-ascendancy. Without us, the Dread Lord would have likely found Himself unnecessarily hindered by bureaucratic red tape, jurisprudence, and antiquated notions of everyday logic. We also firmly established that the Crawling Chaos is legally allowed to gut the fabric of reality however He sees fit—but only while He continues to occupy the Presidency. It clearly says so in the Constitution. Or, at least, it did before Nyarlathotep used the document as toilet paper for one of his many festering orifices.
Regardless, as you all know, we agreed to review a complaint about the President’s international economic plan. Specifically, the plaintiff’s charge that Nyarlathotep’s Soul Harvest Doctrine is explicitly against the rules He promised to uphold. We read over the defense submitted by His legal necromancers—we would have preferred it in written form rather than sheep entrails, but we respect that they clerked with Haruspex Alito. After scrying the ovine intestines, however, we simply find the arguments lacking.
With all due respect to President Nyarlathotep (and our own bodily fluids), we do not believe the Necro-Administration’s contention that “Phantom Warlocks Only We Can See” was reason enough to initiate multiple soul harvest taxes directed at small business owners. The claim that these souls will pay for themselves because they’re technically only “temporarily” trapped in the Nightmare Dimension is spurious, at best, especially because we have yet to see a single harvested citizen awake from their “blood nap,” as the necromancers describe in their offal briefing.
Furthermore, and in the interest of transparency, we did not anticipate that the soul harvests would affect our livelihoods, per se. It was our understanding that those harvests pertained primarily to businesses that sold products like computer chips, cars, and maple syrup. In recent weeks, however, it’s become clear that it isn’t only small businesses that have been harvested—our own stock portfolios have suffered as well. And lest anyone think this is purely a selfish ruling on our part—we know plenty of Outer God sycophants who are feeling the same pain right now. Not, you know, the same pain that comes from your humanity being sucked out of your ears by an infernal soul vacuum. But you get what we’re trying to say.
In any case, this small coterie of calcified legal priests has represented the final line of defense against personal, political, and economic injustices long before the Dread Lord’s initial summoning in 2016. Sure, this legal system may seem almost as insane as the Necronomicon itself in hindsight, but what’s done is done. Except for Nyarlathotep’s Soul Harvest Doctrine, though. He needs to stop doing that right away. And if He can’t return all the harvested souls to their proper owners, then He should at least promise to do that sooner than later.
We’ll leave that at His discretion, of course. Remember, He’s immune to prosecution or occult banishment rituals so long as He remains President. This is precisely what the Founding Fathers envisioned.
