“President Trump announced he was erasing the scientific finding that climate change endangers human health and the environment, ending the federal government’s legal authority to control the pollution that is dangerously heating the planet.” — New York Times
The EPA was founded in 1970 to protect public health and the environment. But now, as a result of President Trump’s forward-thinking leadership, our mission at the Environmental Protection Agency is simple: Destroy the environment.
The threats posed by the environment are far-reaching: sunsets, strawberries, and a climate capable of sustaining human life, to name only a few. Immediate action must be taken before these risks become full-fledged catastrophes.
With the president’s approval, we have officially terminated Obama-era policies that regulated pollution from motor vehicles and factories. These regulations came with disastrous consequences, such as preventing premature deaths and asthma attacks in children. With these policies out of the way, we can ensure a brighter future for all Americans, one where smog blocks out the sun and stars, and everyone has emphysema.
Climate scientists and green-energy activists have strongly opposed the EPA’s new mission. But bear in mind, these are the same people who want their grandchildren to see flowers bloom in spring or to watch, in precious wonder, as a butterfly lands on their nose. Clearly, these people belong to a radical minority and should not be taken seriously.
Some have even claimed that all we care about is currying favor with the automotive industry. This is completely unfounded, as are the allegations that we have received free Escalades and vacation homes on Lake Tahoe. Any photo evidence to the contrary was obviously generated by AI.
In fact, an environment-free world will benefit all, not merely the privileged few. No more time wasted raking the yard, because there will be no more leaves. No more being woken up by annoying birds, because there will be no more birds. No more arguing over where to go on vacation, because there will be nowhere beautiful left to travel to. No more rush-hour traffic, because no one will be able to go outside.
But perhaps the greatest benefit of all is that, with no more environment, the Environmental Protection Agency will no longer be needed, which means more money in taxpayers’ pockets, and more money means more bartering power once the Great Oxygen Tank Shortage hits.
We know that the road ahead will be long, but we have faith that, as long as we act aggressively and with minimal regard for the law, we will accomplish our mission. What could be more American than that?
Farewell, environment. It’s been a nuisance knowing you.
