“If I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein.”
— Elon Musk, dismissing the emails between him and notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein that were part of the latest Epstein Files release by the DOJ
I understand that it’s not a great look to have exchanged tens of thousands of text messages with the Cannibal King over many years. Still, cut me some slack. We’ve all had a questionable acquaintance or two in our lives.
The extensive recipes we shared about how to cook human flesh? Clearly jokes. Stop getting so uptight. You say he wasn’t kidding? Well, sure, but how was I to know that?
Was I aware he had already been arrested for biting some people in public? Who among us hasn’t— uh, I mean, sure, yes, but he had served his time, and we all believed he had been rehabilitated.
Did I spend time in the Cannibal King’s so-called torture basement? Technically, yes. But this really isn’t the “gotcha” moment you’re thinking it is. I just assumed the wall chains and saws were eccentric interior design choices. The Cannibal King was a funny guy. He told me the blood stains on the floor were already there when he bought the place. Plus, he almost never had a supposed “victim” in there at the same time as me—at least not one that was alive.
What did I mean when I texted him that I “loved” the jerky made of human flesh that he sent me for Christmas? An inside joke. You wouldn’t get it. You people have no sense of humor.
Quite frankly, I think it’s time to question our society’s stigma about eating people. It was perfectly acceptable in many cultures in the past. And the “victims”? Some of them came willingly. They were paid fairly for their arms and legs. Many of them have never even been found. Wouldn’t surprise me if they never really existed.
Not that any of this matters, of course. I hardly knew the Cannibal King, and I didn’t kill or eat anyone. I am a very busy man, working on very important projects, like robots, space exploration, and AI-generated pornography. Besides, I don’t need someone to help me abduct, kill, cook, and eat people. I could easily do that on my own if I really wanted to.
