It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing on top of a wobbly fifteen-foot ladder, dusting a chandelier with an old TV Guide. “It’s fine,” she yells, “I’ve been doing this for over sixty years.”
From there, it’s just a short, spiteful ride to the orthopedist with repeated mutterings of “I told you a million times to stay on the ground, didn’t I? DIDN’T I?” while googling “best medical alert bracelets” and wondering when the hell you became the cautious, sensible one in this family dynamic.
But now there’s a better way to deal with senior citizens that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet.
Introducing Elder Cushion, the bubble wrap designed to keep the stubborn, obstinate loved ones in your life safe from injuries caused by climbing things they never should have been climbing in the first place.
The way Elder Cushion works is simple. After your loved one nods off while watching cable news, sneak over and wind a few yards of our patented bubble wrap around their body mummy-style. Will they be angry when they wake up? Yes. But thanks to Elder Cushion covering their hands and arms, they won’t be able to easily update their will, so all you have to worry about is what’s for dinner at 4 p.m.
Unlike regular bubble wrap that barely protects one of the Precious Moments figurines they keep trying to shove off on you, Elder Cushion is designed to kick into action when it’s needed most. Using proprietary technology, Elder Cushion senses when your loved one is:
- Carrying an air conditioner up or down a flight of stairs
- Hanging streamers for their grandchild’s birthday
- Adjusting a shingle that “just doesn’t look right”
- Standing on one leg to put on a sock
- Grabbing a box of oatmeal that expired in 1996 from the top shelf of the pantry
- Announcing, “I may not be a spring chicken anymore, but I can still powerwash the deck” before climbing onto a shed with a rotting roof
- Clambering to safety on the dining room table because the Roomba’s coming
And if they should happen to fall, slip, or crash, there’s no need to worry. The Elder Cushion’s pillowy softness keeps injuries to a minimum. Your loved one will stay snug and safe, and probably just bounce a little. Much like one of the fun bubbles they loved on The Lawrence Welk Show. (Which you should also suggest they rewatch so they spend more time on the couch and less time perched on a step stool like a headstrong capuchin.)
Will your loved one complain that being squeezed by bubble wrap like a boa constrictor is uncomfortable? Yes. But simply remind them that what’s also uncomfortable is the $60,000 hip replacement they’d need after slipping off the chair they stood on to kill a spider—the spider that turned out to be your sister’s false eyelash.
Elder Cushion: The bubble wrap that protects your elderly loved ones. Mostly from themselves. Order yours today!
Call now, and for an extra ten dollars, we’ll also send you the Fox Blox that automatically disables all news stories meant to scare elderly people into voting Republican.
