Black seadevil anglerfish
Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
Don’t hate me if I: Latch on to you and permanently fuse to your body until my head dissolves and our circulatory systems become one
This year, I want to: Delete this app <3
Giant squid
Fifteen feet long, Catholic, figuring out my dating goals
Give me travel tips for: Two-thousand feet below sea level off the west coast of Norway—Spring break 2026 gonna be a movie!
If loving this is wrong, I don’t want to be right: The Office
My love language is: Physical, tentacle-y touch
Hexactinellid sponge
Software engineer, nine thousand years old,
twenty-eight centimeters tall
I bet you can’t: Pronounce my name
Unusual skills: Asexual reproduction, limb regeneration
My perfect first date: You come over to the same spot where I have been rooted, and will be rooted, for my entire life, and we filter feed and chill
Greenland shark
Four hundred years old, Pisces, open to children
I’ll fall for you if you: Trip me
Typical Sunday: Gym, football, video games
My simple pleasures: Cold, open waters and a dead animal carcass dinner
Sea lamprey
Four hundred fifty million years old
I go crazy for: Blood
Change my mind about: Blood
I want someone who: Blood
Bobbit worm
Three years old, five centimeters tall, conservative
My greatest strength: Burrowing my entire scaly, eyeless, brainless body into the sand
Let’s debate this topic: Be honest, do female bobbit worms really deserve the right to vote?
All I ask is that you: Don’t take yourself too seriously
Giant isopod
Freelancer at Freelance, Taurus, drinks occasionally
I know the best spot in town for: Deep-sea detritus
I’m weirdly attracted to: Redheads
All I ask is that you: See me not for my hard, bony exoskeleton, but the empathetic, gooey water bug underneath. <3
