“Shares in the world’s leading defense contractor, Lockheed Martin, rose 3.5 percent on the opening of trading as the market rushed to buy into defense stocks in the wake of recent events in Venezuela.” — The Motley Fool
Bro, bro, bo, bro, BRO—we are SO FUCKING BACK.
We admit, you guys had us going for a second there. You know, the whole “we don’t want wars” thing and whatnot.
But now? We’re PARTYING LIKE IT’S 2003. Low-rise jeans, flip phones, and illegal foreign wars for oil patriotism are BACK ON THE MENU, BOYZ, and we are SO HYPED.
After all, who doesn’t LOVE a good sequel? Rush Hour 4 won’t begin shooting for years, and by then our impending conflict with China will almost assuredly disrupt Jackie Chan’s availability. So until then, WAR is the next best thing.
For a second there, we thought we’d have to wither away on the scraps from low-level dictatorships, up-and-coming warlords, and a sizeable portion of the meager trillion-dollar United States defense budget.
It was stressful, bro. We lost our abs.
Sure, it’s always sweet seeing our weapons used to tamp down dissidents seeking fundamental human rights in failed nation-states that aren’t America (for now, at least). And we love spilled blood—we’re the TIGER WOODS OF SPILLED BLOOD. But over the past few years, post-Iraq, things got stale. Ukraine? Old news. Yemen? More like YAAAAAWNN-men.
But a very public military quagmire in our hemisphere? I want to do a KICKFLIP with the GHOST OF PAPA CHENEY. (Rest in power, king).
Related/unrelated: What hemisphere is Greenland in?
I don’t want to jinx it, but I really think this could be the one, brosephs. The bumbling start of World War III. And that WASN’T OUR GOAL UNTIL Q2 2027—AT THE EARLIEST.
Oh, on that note, I meant to ask (all good, if not): Would it be chill if we invaded Taiwan?
