RED FLAG: He sometimes has to work late and Q4 is his busy season.
GREEN FLAG: His full-time job is directing the local middle school Christmas pageant, which takes up only two hours every Tuesday, November to mid-December.
RED FLAG: He wears bespoke suits and flashy Patek Philippe watches, even on days when he’s working remotely from your luxury apartment.
GREEN FLAG: He wears socks with anthropomorphic snowflakes on them and vibrant, ugly Christmas sweaters every single day, no matter the occasion. Even to your sister’s wedding. Yep, her black-tie wedding.
RED FLAG: He has an expensive haircut.
GREEN FLAG: He owns 150 snow globes.
RED FLAG: He’s a little worried about money right now, because he’s saving up for a BMW, his dream car since childhood.
GREEN FLAG: He has spent $250,000 refurbishing an old sleigh to “get it in flying shape” by Christmas Eve.
RED FLAG: He gets drinks with his coworkers occasionally.
GREEN FLAG: He gets blasted on eggnog every night, alone, in a barn full of festively attired horses.
RED FLAG: He says, “Happy Holidays!”
GREEN FLAG: His house has so many Christmas lights you can see it from outer space.
RED FLAG: There was an instant connection between you two from the moment you met.
GREEN FLAG: You’ve known him forever, but you moved away for law school and completely forgot he existed. You made no effort to keep in contact. You’re not even friends on Facebook. But one Christmas you came back home and, well, he was there, so…
RED FLAG: He went to Harvard Business School and brings it up in conversation a lot.
GREEN FLAG: He went to North Pole University and majored in Gingerbread House Design.
RED FLAG: He spends a little too much time with his bros.
GREEN FLAG: Everyone in the town seems to know him, but no one seems to really know him, you know? Like, he can’t walk down the street without everyone in earshot saying hi to him, but he has literally never had any actual plans with any of these people. Not once has he said, “Sorry, I’ve got a pickleball game with the guys tonight,” or, “Wish I could go, but it’s Sam’s birthday Saturday.”
RED FLAG: He’s always talking business.
GREEN FLAG: And another thing, even his random conversations on the street are exclusively about the upcoming Christmas season—even though it’s March? It’s like him and the rest of the town has no thoughts or ambitions or fears or inner lives outside of “Christmas.” Their days revolve around cheers-ing hot chocolate, wrapping presents for god-knows-who, and checking the NORAD Santa tracker. Again, it’s March.
RED FLAG: He wants to have crazy hot sex, like, all the time.
GREEN FLAG: You guys dry hump for a little to “Jingle Bell Rock,” then the camera cuts away to a burning pine-scented candle.
RED FLAG: He supports your career as a hotshot human rights lawyer for the United Nations.
GREEN FLAG: He’s starting a Christmas cookie bakery, and it really needs an extra set of hands, babe.
RED FLAG: He practices open and honest communication.
GREEN FLAG: He will build you a house in rural New Hampshire without asking if you want to live there. The house will not be up to code, but it has an adorable fireplace. (Do NOT turn it on.)
RED FLAG: His development company wants to turn the beloved abandoned toy factory into an affordable housing complex.
GREEN FLAG: He’s gathering the entire town to come watch him fly his sleigh over the ravine. Good God. He doesn’t have health insurance!
RED FLAG: He’s a nepo baby—his father founded the development company.
GREEN FLAG: His dad is Santa Claus. He truly believes that.
RED FLAG: He almost forgot your birthday once.
GREEN FLAG: He forgot your birthday (again, oops), but never forgets the true meaning of Christmas.
