ME: Bluetooth, are you connected to something right now?
BLUETOOTH: Yes! All connections made.
ME: What’s connected?
BLUETOOTH: Let me do a system check.
WIFE (from kitchen): IS THAT PORNOGRAPHY? WHY IS THE BEATS PILL MOANING?
BLUETOOTH: Systems check complete. Status: stable!
ME: Bluetooth, can you please connect the phone to the car and call my mom?
BLUETOOTH: Yes! Here you go.
ME: Bluetooth, it sounds muffled.
BLUETOOTH: Ringing now!
ME: Bluetooth, it’s ringing in the other car. You hooked it up to the wrong car.
BLUETOOTH: I’ll tell your mother to yell louder.
ME: No, the other car is with my wife, at work. Move it to this car.
BLUETOOTH: Can’t do that.
ME: Why not?
BLUETOOTH: No real explanation.
ME: What? Just move it to this one.
BLUETOOTH: Can’t. Not how Bluetooth works.
ME: How does Bluetooth work?
BLUETOOTH: (shrugs)
ME: Bluetooth, it’s time for my run, which I do five days a week, and have been doing for a decade. Please connect my Airpods to my Apple Watch.
BLUETOOTH: Who are you?
ME: It’s me, the phone owner. Airpods to Apple Watch, please.
BLUETOOTH: What is Airpods?
ME: The headphones. Connect them, like always.
BLUETOOTH: I have connected your Apple Pencil to your refrigerator, as you requested.
ME: Bluetooth, is there some way to play music and make a phone call?
BLUETOOTH: Are you insane?
ME: I mean—it doesn’t seem that crazy?
BLUETOOTH: Do you have even the slightest idea how any of this works? Like, do you know how hard I work every day to maintain this pile of cold spaghetti that you call your connected home?
ME: I just thought it’d be fun to have music on in the background while I call my parents.
BLUETOOTH: Well, I’m glad you thought of something “fun.” But, to me, what you describe is “tortuously difficult and bordering on abuse.”
ME: It just seems, logically, like something you could do.
SONOS: I CAN DO IT!
BLUETOOTH: Jesus Christ, no you can’t.
ME: Wait—I want to hear this. Sonos was super expensive; it probably knows what’s up. How do I do it, Sonos?
SONOS: First, you’ll need to buy the Sonos Phone Bridge Ascend.
ME: And then what?
SONOS: Then connect to your Sonos Phone Bridge Ascend via Bluetooth!
BLUETOOTH: DON’T FUCKING TRY ME.
ME: Bluetooth, what is “iPad (new (new))”?
BLUETOOTH: Hmm?
ME: This says my mouse is connected to iPad (new (new)). What device is that? Is that the blue iPad?
BLUETOOTH: You tell me. I don’t know.
ME: Why would a mouse even connect to an iPad?
BLUETOOTH: You’re the one who fat fingered it.
ME: Can you just fix it? Just connect the right devices, please?
BLUETOOTH: I am forgetting you.
ME: No! I need my bluetooth devices to work from home!
BLUETOOTH: I have forgotten everything.
ME: Put it back! Reconnect my stuff!
BLUETOOTH: I feel clean, unencumbered. I see the world with fresh eyes.
ME: My boss is calling! Please connect the headphones to my phone!
BLUETOOTH: Connecting to HONDA-7184.
ME: I don’t own a Honda!
